I had one of the saddest realisations today. I realised that since mum died, nothing brings me joy. Most of the time I feel empty.
It’s been just over 5 years since she died and even though I am feeling better now than I have in the last 5 years, nothing much brings me joy. I’m struggling to find meaning in my life. It’s like I am walking through my life with no purpose, no desire and no motivation, yet, I want all of those things in my life. I want to wake up feeling like I have a purpose. I want to wake up feeling motivated for my life, but instead I wake up feeling lost with no life direction whatsoever.
When mum die everything changed, including me. I don’t see the world the same way as I used to. I found myself re-evaluating my life. What I once loved and what once brought me joy, doesn’t exist anymore (as much as I want it to). I have been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life but nothing comes to me. I feel like I am walking this aimless, pointless life and it’s such a struggle.
At times I watch motivational speakers for inspiration, but nothing much comes, and if it does, it doesn’t last long. I’m back to where I started, feeling like I have no idea of what to do with my life. I then find myself swimming in a pool of frustration and almost drowning because I am desperate for some sign or some life direction. And I wait and I wait and I wait for a sign and nothing comes. I’m exhausted.
About a week ago, for the first time in 5 years, I realised that mum would want me to be happy and to enjoy my life, and I felt a bit inspired, but once again, that feeling didn’t last long. If someone said that to me previous to a week ago “that mum would want me to be happy and to enjoy my life” it would of made me mad. I would get so angry on the inside at those that said it to me, because I wasn’t happy and I had no idea how to feel happy and even though mum may want that for me, I wasn’t ready to hear it and honestly what the fuck makes you happy when your mum is dead and you have to live without her.
I so desperately want to feel alive again. I want to feel joy. I want to feel love. I want to feel hope, but instead I feel so lost in the world. Life without mum just doesn’t feel the same. Just her presence was enough for me. Her phone calls. Our long talks. Our cups of tea together. Our laughs. Our fights. The birthday card that came in the mail. The craziness of our relationship. Our beautiful and loving closeness. Her touch. Her voice. Her hugs. Her smell. I miss everything about her and I can’t seem to move on without her. I’m trying and it’s just not happening.
I know that some of you that read this, will be able to relate to me 100% and yet, there will be others that won’t be able to relate at all.
So for now, I just wake up each day and see what the day brings. I do little things that bring small amounts of joy to my life, like look up at the trees with deep gratitude for nature, I walk in nature, I watch the birds, I sit in the sun, I admire the moon. I love our Mother Earth. Sometimes I get creative and make beautiful things. Sometimes I do nothing at all.
I don’t know if my life can ever be the same again after losing mum. I don’t know if I will ever feel the same joy for my life that I did while she was alive but I do know that no matter how bad I feel, I will acknowledge my feelings always and I will aim to find the little things that bring me joy and I hope that one day I can feel that full feeling of being alive again, while at the same time miss my mum forever.