A letter to my husband
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The last 4 years have been such a rollercoaster of emotions and so much has changed for both of us. In 3 years we lost my mother, your father and my dad.
The losses have changed me forever, especially losing mum. I can never be the same person that I was before losing her. Emotionally, I have changed. Symbolically, it feels like a cyclone spinning out of control and it won’t let me go. I am constantly spinning. This emotional cyclone confuses me from time to time, and I know it impacts you too.
I feel like I lost my identity when mum died. The easiest way to describe it, is that when mum left the Earth, she took me with her, yet she left behind my physical body that feels emotionally empty. In the moments of emptiness, my body feels hollow and weak and the despair eats away at me. I struggle to find my way.
There is an internal fountain of tears that spills over the edge into my blood stream and in a matter of minutes I am crippled by grief. I have no control of what is happening to me. I am clouded by despair and pulled into the cyclone once again. I can barely make sense of anything. As the energy of the cyclone subsides, I realise that you are standing there, yet you have no idea of what is happening to me on the inside. In that moment, I feel sad for you and for me.
I desperately want to place my feet back on the Earth, but mum keeps calling me. Then I realise that it’s not her calling me, but instead, it’s me that calls upon her, because I need her. I call upon her to bring me some level of comfort and to ease my aching heart.
The sun rises each morning as I open my eyes to a new day, the thought of mum crosses my mind and I am reminded of her absence and my heart sinks once again. I know that losing mum has put a strain on our relationship and that there are times that you probably wonder what is going on inside me. I wish that I could tell you what was happening on the inside, but most of the time, there is no language, there are no words, just a barrage of emotions. I often get lost in the barrage.
Adapting to life without mum doesn’t get any easier, even though from where you are standing, it looks as though I am doing ok. Some days I am ok, but there are so many moments throughout the day that I am struggling, and I am sad to the core of my bones. There are days that I just want to escape and run away, and keep running, but I know I can’t. I must walk this journey of grief and loss with my eyes wide open. I need to feel the intensity of sorrow. I have to sink into the despair and take one day at a time. I ask that you please be patient as I get to know this new me. Give me the space that I need to rediscover the parts of me that need my attention, as I identify the aspects of my soul that have been bruised and battered through my grief. Please be tolerant when I am sad and the times that I am not myself. Please offer your kind heart in a way that makes me feel safe in the world, because being in this world without mum, will NEVER be the same again. I will NEVER be the same and I hope that you can learn to love the new me, because the old me is gone forever.
Your loving wife